time won't heal

I am feeling like I want to go back to the time when mom is exist.

It's been almost 12 years ago, but the feelings is still vivid and fresh on my mind like it was happened yesterday. My feelings of sorrow are bone-deep. I don’t need to remember with any amount of clarity to feel overwhelmingly sad.

I am a paradox of opposite emotions, which is confusing but fine. Life after a loss is merely perplexing and, if I didn’t know it’s normal to experience grief years after a loss, I think I’d be feeling pretty crazy right about now.

My mom was “home” – it existed within her – and now that she’s gone, I’ll never be able to truly return. I am lost. I wish I could ask her how would I respond when thing get worse, how would I respond if someone hate me, how would I respond if  I don't feel enough. And there are so other things I wish I could ask her.

Also,

I want tell her everything I did. On the day I've got medals at school or university, on my graduation day, on my first day to go to work, cause I am sad to admit the fact that she left me while all I can do is nothing. I was too young.

"time will heal, tir" they said

actually time won't heal anything. Time doesn’t heal all wounds; it just rolls in like a slow-motion tsunami and carries you off down the shore.

But yea, I understand that the vulnerability to experience grief is always with me. Some days, it lies dormant. Some days, it becomes inflamed like emotional rheumatism. Like a particular time of year, certain experiences flip a switch, and I am flooded with feelings of grief, nostalgia, yearning, and whatever else bubbles up to the surface.

sometimes i cried on my pillow

I cried on the motorbike way back to home

I cried in the middle of movie scene

cause after 12 years, mom is still everywhere.

I cant believe myself  I wrote an emotional essay about my mom in the middle tons of deadline wkwk.

So, at the end of the day, i just want to tell myself that it was normal to grief. 

Cause time wont heal, you heal yourself.